Dating & Relationships
Am I the only person who literally can’t stand the promos and posters for the show “Whitney”? It’s so hacky…
“Half of all marriages end in… SWEAT PANTS!” What is this? A Cathy cartoon? The couple in the series is supposedly “happily unmarried” and Whitney seems to be some kind of nymphomaniac.
I appreciate having alternative leading characters in your sitcom who aren’t your average married couple, but it seems that the only benefit to “living is sin” is that the women is constantly pressured to put on tight miniskirts and sexy Halloween nurse costumes to keep her boyfriend interested in having sex with her… and even then, from the trailers, he’s still not that into doing it with her.
The Whitney girl is skinny, which usually translates to “sexy” in Hollywood. I mean, she’s got no curves and the only time you notice her boobs is when they pack them in tight so that she can rest her chin on them, and she’s not pretty in the face AT ALL and she seems like a jerk. I’m not sure why her boyfriend or friends hang out with her because from what you see in the trailers, she’s a selfcentered jerk who has nothing more than snarky/sarcastic comments to offer on whatever is going on.
So basically Whitney is a bitter, single , middle-aged woman who believes that she can make herself feel better about not being married by constantly spewing out hacky little quips about why marriage sucks, and has to constantly act like a whore in an attempt to try to trick her boyfriend into having sex with her.
Actually, she sounds like a few girls I know… or USE TO know because I don’t really bother hanging out with them anymore. In the end those girls end up single. The men that they have had long-term relationships with fuck them for a few years and then break-up with them and I usually get a hysterical call from them a few months later about how he’s suddenly engaged and getting married (to some girl who isn’t an asshole and cares about more than sex.) So that’s what I predict will happen to the couple in Whitney.
There is absolutely NO reason for Sesame Street characters Bert & Ernie to get gay married because they are not having gay sex. They’re just sharing the rent. I mean Bert might be gay, but Ernie has the mind of a child and it would be closer to molesting if anything sexual were to be going on between the two.
You only need to get married if you’re getting it on or having kids. Bert and Ernie ain’t doin’ neither. Kermit and Piggy are totally getting it on, and though they’d have to adopt to have children it would make sense for them to get married if they wanted to…
But if Ernie & Bert got married it would just be some kind of scam for Ernie to get on Bert’s health insurance and that’s not a good lesson to be teaching America’s youth.
Just because two dudes live together, doesn’t mean they are gay.
If Ernie and Bert are having sex, someone needs to call the popo and report that some creepy old bald member of the Man/Boy Love Association is raping the retarded boy that’s living with him.
On the season finale of TLC’s My Strange Addiction a woman confessed that she’s been eating her dead husbands ashes.
She says it tastes like rotten eggs and feels like sand. Yummy!
When she got the ashes, they weighed 6lbs but now she’s down to only 5lbs of ashes left… if she doesn’t stop chowin’ down on her dead hubby’s ashes, she’s gonna lose him again!
But now he’s like Crystal Meth/Cancer thin and it’s creepy.
Creepy as fuck.
It won’t last though. He’ll gain some weight back at some point. All the fatties who drastically drop weight like this put it back on. It’s just a matter of time. I hope.
Now there’s a GILF (Guy I’d Like To Fuck)!
And don’t give me shit about comparing him to a cancer victim. My mom died of cancer so fuck the fuck off. (Hi mom!)
FOR MORE HILARITY GO TO MY MAIN PAGE: THE MEANEST GIRLS ON EARTH
Everyone says I give great dating advice so I thought I’d write some of it down for you.
GET READY 3 HOURS BEFORE YOUR DATE!
When you have a date… get ready like 2 or 3 hours before the date. Do your hair and makeup and whatever you plan on doing. Then just live your live till he gets there. Watch TV, talk on the phone, Facebook, clean the kitchen… whatever you like to do with your free or spare time.
That way… when he shows up you look good, but not like you’re trying to impress anybody.
IF IT’S GOING WELL:
Half way through the night you can do a little lipstick and some eye liner freshen up or something. It’s a cute thing to do, draws his attention toward your lips and your eyes, and let’s the guy know that you are into him.
IF IT’S NOT GOING WELL:
If the date isn’t going well, go to the bathroom half way through the date and wash all the makeup off your face. Put your hair in a pony tail. Then take out a pack of cigarettes and light up. Indoors somewhere, where it’s totally inappropriate. That’ll make you look like a total asshole and he probably won’t call you again. If he does want to see you again, he’s probably got some kind of fetish dude and all you have to do is command him to not call you again.
HOT CURLERS RULE!
If you suck at blowing out your hair… like I do… just dry it and then put hot curlers in it for like 5 minutes. It won’t look all fake and curly, it’ll just look like you had a blow out. It gives the ends a little curl, which is all you need. This isn’t Dynasty.
THE BEST HAIR PRODUCT TO USE:
If you want to know the best product to use on your hair… I will tell you.
Get a small squirt bottle. Assemble some of your favorite hair products, gel, lotions, conditioner… I use an ice cream stick to scrape out waxes and harder products and shove them in there too… put a little of each in the squirt bottle and then add water, I use warm water because it melts all the products together faster. Give it a shake. Shake it until it’s a liquid again and not all separated. Just spray this in your hair before you blow dry it, or right before you go out, then run your fingers through your hair and shake it out and give it a little once over. It’s great. I use all those old products that I haven’t used in so long and my hair looks great. Sometimes a combination of a few different products just works for some reason. Make sure to shake it up good every time you use it, before you spray it in your hair.
This is what mine looks like. I just used an old bottle of some kind of hair shine spray and started mixing products in there.
A lil’ warm water and a shake and you’re looking good without looking fake.
And if you want your hair to look REALLY good you’ll go see Todd at Sterling Salon in Studio City… I’m just sayin’, he will make you look better than you ever could.
If it’s good enough for Sebastian, it’s good enough for me.
In this economy there’s not a lot of money to spend on expensive Holiday gifts but thank God advice is free, so for Christmas I thought I’d give you all some FREE holiday advice.
FUCKING ON THE FIRST DATE IS JUST FINE…